Love, actually, at 43: ‘Our relationship got even stronger after I transitioned’
‘I’ve spent a long time working on being better at recognising when I’m burning out and asking for help.’
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Age: 43
Gender: Transmasc
Sexuality: Queer
Ethnicity: Pākehā
Religion: None
Occupation: Counsellor
Length of relationship: 13 years
Children: One, who’s in primary school and cooler than either of us
How we met: We used to be in the same wide friendship group based around a lefty politics online forum (remember vbulletin?) in London in the early noughts, and stayed in touch through that and on social media when I moved to Auckland. He suggested I catch up with him when I was visiting family for Christmas, and about a week later we were discussing a future together. He moved out later that year and proposed at the airport arrivals hall. We’ve been inseparable ever since.
The best thing about my relationship: We’re a team. We always look at problems collaboratively, one of us will pick up the heavy work if the other can’t, we’re honest about what we can and can’t do for each other, we celebrate each other’s wins. It’s a philosophy that’s kept us strong through some huge changes and difficult times.
A problem we can’t seem to resolve: We’re both very dedicated to the work that we do, and to our kid, and can find it hard to make time for couple stuff that isn’t keeping the day to day running smoothly.
This is how we share/separate our finances: Joint accounts for everything, I’m self employed so keep a portion of my money for business expenses. One of the first things we talked about was that money was something we’d never be secretive about.
This is how we split chores and childcare: Evenly split overall, sometimes one of us is picking up more if the other needs it.
Our sex life in three words: Enthusiastic, gay, fun.
The thing that makes me a good partner: I asked him this and he said “putting up with my bullshit”. I’d have said it more diplomatically in that I respect him and am his greatest cheerleader.
The thing I need to work on to be a better partner: I’ve spent a long time working on being better at recognising when I’m burning out and asking for help. I’m still working on being better at hearing that when he recognises it before I do!
What I most appreciate in my partner: Even when things have been tough or we’ve disagreed on something, I’ve never doubted his sincerity or his honesty. And he’s an amazing dad.
What I most resent in my relationship: I appear to be the only person in the family who knows how to clean the shower.
The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time: This is an interesting question! We’ve both changed so much as people since we got together (careers, starting a family, my transition, moving from Auckland to a small town etc), but the relationship itself is the pou that holds steady through everything.
It would surprise people to know this about my relationship: Our relationship got even stronger after I transitioned.
Our last big fight was about: I honestly can’t remember.
If I hadn’t met my partner: I don’t think I’d be nearly as happy in myself as I am.
I expect my relationship to last until: We’ve always said we’re in this until it stops making sense.
My relationship advice is: Longevity is not the sole marker of relationship success. Better to have a great five-year relationship where you end on good terms than a great five-year relationship that turns into a 20-year slog.
